Sunday, January 10, 2016

Boo Hoo! People insist on communicating with me!

Dear Fuck Up,

Every time I go on Facebook I get bombarded with instant messages from people who want to have conversations with me.  I just want to be left alone, but I always end up having banal chit chat.  What should I do?

- Greta Garbo

Dear Greta, 

First of all, boo fucking hoo, people want to talk to you.  Is that some kind of humble brag?  "OMG I'm soooo popular!"  We get it, you're goddamn irresistible.  Happy now?

Also, grow a pair.  If you really don't want to IM people, don't IM them. Ignore them. Or tell them you can't talk right now.  Or better yet, if you are on Facebook just turn off the damn messenger.  It's not exactly rocket science. But don't come bitching to me when people stop trying to message you, because you asked for it.

Send me your letters at


When I tell people that I am starting an advice column they always say to me, "Frank you're crazy. You are fat, financially you're a wreck, you have no real friends,  it's been so long since anyone has touched you sexually that you're a retroactive virgin, your job sucks,  your family avoids you, you aren't very healthy, none of your youthful dreams have ever come true, even your dog thinks you're and asshole.  And you're bald.  Why the fuck would anyone want to take advice from a loser like you?"

Those shit-heels think they are so much better than me,.

I'll tell you why the fuck would anyone want to take advice from a loser like me.  Most of these jerk-offs who write advice columns have gotten everything they've ever wanted. They are rich and pretty and they sit on their golden  fucking thrones and look down on the rest of us. Out of the goodness of their goddamn hearts they have deigned to to bestow their knowledge and wisdom upon the rest of us so we can entertain our fantasies that we  might someday be more like them.  

Fuck that. 

I know pain.  I know heartbreak. I've fucked up. I've hurt people's feelings. I've shoplifted. I've been fired from crappy jobs for being a crappy worker. I've driven a car without the proper insurance. I've jerked off in public places. I've eaten an eight piece bucket of Kentucky Fried chicken all by myself in one sitting, more than once. I've done all of the things that you don't want to do.  

In short, I can help you be nothing like me. 

Send me your letters at

Do it before it's too late.